Advice needed:My daughter is being bullied

My daughter is 14.  Freshman in high school.  Her and a couple of friends are being bullied by a group of afro americans within the town here. 

She is now afraid to walk home from school as she was chased and it caused her to have an Asthma attack.  I have contacted the local police.  They are aware but have "seen" nothing so have nothing to act on.

Thay feel if they go to the parents, and reveal my daughter's name she will then be a "target"    .

Im at my wits end, because gang activity is rough stuff and my child should be able to walk the street after school without fear.

Any feedback would be great...........Thanks

Hi Tam,

I would certainly contact the school. If possible talk to the parents. Having a rapport with the parents may help in cooling down the rivalry.

The ethic background of the perpetrators probably was not a good thing to mention. There is sensitivity among people's heritage. Some may claim...."would you mention the ethnicity of group if they were for example Irish or Polish"?

I am certain you meant no harm....and i know you are worried enough right now. But as to the color of their skin....it should be of no relevance.

There is nothing more worrisome or painful than to see your own child in fear of a bully. If at all possible you can sit down with the parents in a civilized manner this may do wonders!!

Please keep us updated.....my thoughts are with you and your daughter.

Lips

Thank You for your reply,  and I meant no harm.  Ive seen white, hispanics, blacks etc etc good and bad throughout life.  One of my best friends is black, and he is a wonderfull man. 

As I see no hope to  talk with the parents,  this particular situation is the mother only parent is on probation for drug dealing and she is said to be a very mean person.

I have been advised that I if I were to go to her home, more than likly I would be  hurt, as the people there are not to reason.  They are fully aware of their children's activity, and have been warned by local police. 

I honestly feel that this is gang related, and that someone's child will be hurt at some point.  I spoke with a mother whom has also made a complaint at the local police regarding her child being chased and taunted and scared to death.  And also this girl has had things thrown at her.

It's a scarey  situation for all involved.  What bothers me also is that you hear of children, young children being pushed over the edge, and then something bad happpens.

I will keep this topic updated as any new  news occurs. 

thank you for prayers,
T

I know it's not an easy thing to do, especially with the economy and also you shouldn't even have to in the first place, but have you considered moving? I've seen situations like yours and I hate to discourage you, but alot of times, nothing is going to change and those bullies are going to get worse. When they have parents as you describe, obviously the trouble starts at home. There is no discipline at home, alot of cases the child is abused, and  therefore only know how to act out violently.The parents more than likely could care less what their children are doing, and in some cases encourage their bad behavior and are proud that their child is not one to be reconned with. There are thousands of reason stuff like this goes on and I only named a few possiblities, but if your local police or social services....[you can call them and if they see the parent is unfit or and the child is uncontrolble they can place the child in foster care] aren't willing or able to protect your child and you fear that you can't protect her either, then maybe moving is the only thing you can do to ensure the safety of your daughter. I myself those to move to another part of town one year because for some reason one really popular girl didn't like my daughter and was constantly calling her names and making fun of her, of course alot of other students would join in and laught. I got fed up with seeing her come home crying everyday and decided to move. She had no problems at all in her new school. I really felt I shouldn't have had to move, very costly and time consuming, and did I mention I had to pick up my life and rearrange everything because of a handful of SECONDGRADERS? But it  turned out to be a great decision because as I mention she had no problems with any students at the new school and I no longer had to worry about her falling into a depression. As parents we have to do any and everything we can to help, and protect our children.

Sound advice by satansmuff.

If you are that worried, then definitely move away from the area and find a "non gang" area - if there is such a thing?  I don't know USA at all and I would be foolish to pretend that I did.  Is there somewhere you can move to where there aren't any gangs? 

It would stop your child worrying, it would stop you worrying and whilst it is a huge upheaval, it has to be worth it in the longrun. 

If something happened (and God forbid that it ever did) you would not be able to live with yourself.  You have to do what is the best option all round for both your child and you and your family and never regret not making the right decision at the right time.

blue

Get law enforcement involved.  If that does not help, then I agree with Satansmuff.....you may want to consider moving.  Until then, be very present and reassure your child. 

    Is it possible to walk your daughter home and to school everyday? I know as a mother I would not leave her alone and if I seen the kids who bothered her I would look them straight in the eyes.
    Its not wise to say anything to them!
but your daughter must attend school in a bad neighborhood and its a parents duty and responsibility to make sure they are safe.
    Dont let her be alone in a situation where no adult is present. Once shes in the school its now the schools responsibility to make sure she is not bullied and is safe.Take turns with the other mothers and fathers to walk these kids to and from school. The police departments cant be there to help there are cuts in funds in every state and unfortunatley this means less patroling officers. Dont leave the responsibility of safeguarding your children to others take action and protect these kids. Be there for them!
      Running away from bullies is not a good idea neither is moving away you and the other parents have to stand up against these bullies by showing them "We are not tollerating bullying and us parents are here for our children".
        Though much younger and I am in a less populated area I once told my son in 6th grade to stand up to a bully(which if its gang related I DO NOT suggest your daughter does!)He did get suspended for a day and so did the bully and now they are good friends.
          Please I beg of you , do not stand idly by waiting for the school or the police to stop this make sure your daughter is walked to and from school with adults present! Even at fourteen if she doesnt like having her parents or adults do that too bad its better than her dead!

In in the spirit of varied conversation, let me offer this:  The old advice of "standing up to bullies" is basically a good one.  But keep in mind this good, sage adviced emerged from a time when bullying consisted of verbal insults, having your cookie taken away during lunch, and being pushed on the playground.  To these, whether work or school, SHOULD be stood up to.  So, if this is the level of bullying your daughter is expericing, then YES stand up.  However, if these truly are gang members then their bullying may not consist of calling her names.  They may involve weapons or horrifying "games" of getting points for raping a female, etc.  What level is this bullying REALLY on?  From there you can make some decisions.

i am a little confused in your first comment you said a group of people are they gang members? if so there's little you can do, and does the entire group have the same parent? they cann't all be drug dealers if they don't, i would go to the school and put together a meeting of concerned parents and have some of the teachers there and throw out some problems and ideas together. you never know maybe some of the parents will belong to the bullys it would be easier then moving most parent want the best for their kids so stick together make the school aware and all the other parents as well and God Bless you i will pray for you and your daughter

Update:

As my family  belongs to a local church, and has for the last 30 years, I brought this up at a family dinner.
  (Just Thurs. night
My nephew is the asst. pastor there. and he informed me that he knew the girl who was  prevoking the turmoil with my daughter, as her mother has been sending her to sunday school on the free bus that picks up and takes home children who want to attend. He informed me that they had been working with her,  and that she  has been raised in an enviroment causing her to act the way she does. 

I picked up my daughter yesterday, and I drove to the area where this girl lives. My daughter was scared , I assured her I would let nothing happen but that I was going to find out why this was going on.

The girl was outside, I drove by slowly,,  as I circled the next block the girl was then at the yard line at a freinds house who was aware of this.  My friend walked out to the road , she was in her yard with her children. I pulled over and we both started talking to her. She said that her cousin told her that my daughter used the  "N"  word and it was overheard.

My daughter spoke up and told this girl, I NEVER use that word, as I also assured the girl we as a family never use that word. So it  was briught out and the girls group is all friends and mostly relation that she runs with. Not an actual gang but a group, around 12-15 of them.

I ended up talking with this girl for around 30 minutes , her and my daughter ended up shaking hands. 

I can only hope this is over,  but Im not letting my guard down yet.  Even though schools and police are aware, I know there are still other children being bullied. 

My daughter was relieved that it was confronted and dicussed in a normal manner. 

I will update as things change but for now maybe this will help thses children to understand that they should'nt  pick on others and  try to hurt someone that has done nothing. 

I guess now I wonder if this girl has told her mother about our conversation and if I will hear from her.  I will tell her what has been going on and  that it's not right. 

I will keep u posted..T

Hi Tam,

Another option that may work for you is Home Schooling. If your daughter suffers from asthma....that has to play a big part in your concern. Her health is in jeopardy and sometimes no matter what kind of precautions are taken....it can be tuff to keep bullies away. Especially if there are parents who don't discipline their children.

Getting a ride to and from school is an option...but what about during class...or walking to and from class? Nothing gives a bully a bigger thrill then knowing they have you living in fear of them.

The authorities in my opinion are worthless. They wait til there is actually harm done...and sometimes its just too late for that.

Your her warrior angel.....to protect her and envelope her in a safe haven of protection. Sadly. sometimes outside help just isn't the answer.

If there is no change...tell the school you want a at home tutor for your daughter....don't ask for it....DEMAND it. Explain her health issues. By law the school is obligated to do it if deemed necessary.

Being bullied as a child is taken to lightly at times. It leaves scars and memories that last a life time.

You mom......hold the power!!

Lips

Sounds like a step in the right direction then tamaroa.  Well done to you but as you say, you're not going to let your guard down yet.

Please do keep us posted.

blue

you might look into a private school if all else fails

Hey tamaroa,

I wanted to reply when you 1st made this post but I held off.  Because I know my advice isn't good advice at all, it has just always worked well for me.  (I really am not a "nice" as I seem)  I gotta agree with Lips, the authorities are USELESS until it's too late.

It looks like you did the right thing, I really hope everything works out for all involved.

Shelli
 

Since I am not a Parent, I felt my comments were not permitted.

I am thankful that you had the COURAGE to face it down and thus resolve what sounded like a tough matter.

KUDOS and this will stick in your daughters mind for the resty of her life.

"Mom, the peacemaker"

Tam,

I think our posts crossed when i left my last reply.....thanks for the update....your working hard in this highly emotional stressful mess.

Your moving in the right direction..........please keep us updated often.

Lips