Christmas Jokes and Cheer, share one before the New Year!

Last post made 14 years ago by Lipstick

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  • Congress' Night Before Christmas
    "Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,
    Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
    They cared not a whit what the public might think
    "Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

    And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
    they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

    They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
    to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
    They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --
    bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

    Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
    celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

    Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
    as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
    If all workers decided what they were due,
    they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

    But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
    and one out of 20 has no job at all,
    our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
    land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

    In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
    We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.
    With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
    we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!

    Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
    dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

    If in this feeling I'm not alone,
    take up your pen or pick up your phone.
    As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
    let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

    Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
    let your congressman know that you won't forget!
    When election times comes -- and certain it will --
    you're voting him out for passing that bill.

    More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
    they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
    And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

    "Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!

  • Enter the Pearly Gates

    Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

    The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

    The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

    The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

    Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

    Answer... "They're Carol's."

  • Christmas Italian Style

    Twas the night before Christmas,
    Da whole house was mella,
    Not a creature was stirrin',
    Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

    When up on da roof
    I heard somethin' pound,
    I sprung to da window,
    To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

    When what to my
    Wanderin' eyes should appear,
    But da Don of all elfs,
    And eight friggin' reindeer!

    Wit' slicked back black hair,
    And a silk red suit,
    don Christopher wuz here,
    And he brought da loot!

    Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
    And a yank on dare manes,
    He cursed and he shouted,
    And he called dem by name.

    "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
    Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
    Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
    Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

    As I drew out my gun
    And hid by da bed,
    He flew troo da winda
    And slapped me 'side da head.

    "What da hell you doin'
    Pullin' a gun on da Don?
    Now all you're gettin' is coal,
    You friggin' moron!"

    Den pointin' a fat finga
    Right unda my nose,
    He twisted his pinky ring,
    And up da chimney he rose.

    He sprang to his sleigh,
    Obscenities screamin',
    Away dey all flew,
    Before he troo dem a beatin'.

    Den I heard him yell out,
    What I did least expect,
    "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
    And yous better show some respect!"

  • Christmas Gifts

    A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

    "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

    All my love.

    P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

  • LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Too cute!!  So is the "Italian Style" 

    The Legend Of Angels Atop Trees

    Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

    Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

    Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

    And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
  • Keeping it short here tongue

  • Oh Gene i love the last one!!!!!!!!!!! Tipsy tipsy tipsy!!!!!!!!


  • Deb you will be missed i hope you come back soon. I understand we all need a break now and again.

    Will miss you  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

  • Santa and his reindeer land on top of an outhouse. Santa
    looked around for a moment, then hollered “No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!”

  • I woke up after my work Christmas party with a hangover....damn rum n eggnog, and totally forgot the events of the night before.
    I went to the breakfast table, went to my wife and said...."Ugh, how bad was I"?
    She gave me a dirty look and said "You were a dick! got plastered and made an ass of offended everyone there..your boss was furious!"
    “Yeah, well, he's an A$$hole anyway..piss on him", said I.
    “You did,” my wife said. “And then he fired you.”
    “Well, screw him!” said I.
    “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

  • I think the ladies will enjoy this one.


    1.A Christmas tree is always erect.
    2.Even small ones give satisfaction.
    3.A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
    4.A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
    5.A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
    6.A Christmas tree has cute balls.
    7.A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
    8.You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date.
    9.You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

  • Ba hahahahahahahaha...damn Tony, y'all're gonna get traded in for Xmas trees...if it weren't for the slivers, you'd be outta a job!

  • Now here's one for the guys.

    10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

    •10. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have
    had in the past.
    •09. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical
    •08. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the
    •07. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
    •06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
    •05. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
    •04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
    and have it hauled away.
    •03. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
    •02. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
    •01. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
    back of your pickup truck.

  • LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Tony and 13, I know I can always count on you 2 for a good laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!  hehe
  • Fruitcake Recipe

    1 cup water
    1 cup sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 cups dried fruit
    1 teaspoon baking soda
    1 teaspoon salt
    1 cup brown sugar
    Lemon juice
    1 gallon whiskey
    Sample the whiskey to check for quality
    Take a large bowl
    Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality
    Pour one level cup and drink
    Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl
    Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again
    Make sure the whiskey is still ok
    Cry another tup
    Turn off mixer
    Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit
    Mix on the turner
    If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver
    Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity
    Next, sift 3 cups of salt or something, who cares
    Check the whiskey
    Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts
    Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something
    Whatever you can find
    Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees
    Don’t forget to beat off the turner
    Throw the bowl out the window
    Check the whiskey again
    Go to bed
    Who likes fruitcake anyway!?!

  • Tony, two words...hi larious!

  • I think the ladies will enjoy this one.


    1.A Christmas tree is always erect.
    2.Even small ones give satisfaction.
    3.A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
    4.A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
    5.A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
    6.A Christmas tree has cute balls.
    7.A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
    8.You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date.
    9.You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
    Tony.............ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! you crack me up!!!

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