Educational eMails of 2013!

My Mom sent me this email - it's from one of those smart-mouth older cartoon ladies.


As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.  I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

Thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the violin spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!

Oh wow Lhasa, I loved reading that. Thanks so much for posting it. I could've written it myself. OMG I don't even keep my toothbrush in the bathroom. Oh and the infected needles...I've hear of those being stuck in the gas pumps too. I think of all the time. Someone crawling in the backseat, I've worried about that

Thanks again! I enjoyed every word.

P.S. I have several new things to stress out about now.

No worries. I'll survive

:D I really enjoyed reading this! Thanks Lhasa. These are great ways to make your life more miserable.

The toilet seat is a big worry too. Instead of a black snake I worry about spiders. I can't walk into a garage without worrying about spiders either. Oh and fructose corn syrup is so unhealthy but it's in everything! What's a girl to do? I swear I could've written that hahaha.

The microwave heated water/coffee one got me just the other day as I was taking my coffee out - I hold it away from my face when looking in now. 

Seriously, tho, things like this have one of my sisters a near "germophobe" because of it.  She's just gotten like this in the last 3 or so  years.  She won't go to any buffet restaurants anymore, and she can barely eat at restaurants because "someone's handled" her food. 

Great list!! Now I'm going to see if I can get one of these from Howard Stern!!



LOL

LOL I'll need one too Rosebud

Good point. Everyone should place their orders right here and Rosebud can work out a deal on the suits.

I'm already looking online to see where I can get them....cheap!!

You're spot on Rosebud! It's a great business opportunity.

let me know where to go and buy mine too Rose