Spying on your spouse???

Well...since my last topic fetched 2000+ views, I thought I'd try another subject.

I ended my psychology practice before the smart phone, but certainly email was in full swing at that time and were basic cell phones.  So, I often encountered couples where one had "spied" on the other...checked their email, or looked through their phone log, etc.  Often the one spying found bad information....hiding money, an affair, etc.  BUT...often they found nothing, but ended up leaving the marriage in a state of distrust and suspicion.

Should a spouse look through the other's email, smart phone, Facebook, etc?  With cause?  Without cause?

My 2 cents:  If there is the urge to spy, justified or unjustified, then it is a "vote" of no confidence in the marriage/relationship.  In other words, the marriage is already in trouble.  In healthy marriages/relationships there is no spying.

Thoughts?

I beleive we all deserve to be trusted no matter what until we PROVE to be UNTRUSTworthy..

I'm going to describe my most embarrassing and humilating experience you could imagine that happened to me from "snooping"..i've never told this to anyone, it's something you don'twant to tell or even have too.. I had gone through my daughters fathers briefcase because i had a "feeling" this was early on, it was the first and only time i ever had it in my mind that he was doing what he was doing, there i found some letters from a girl, i confronted him about it.. i was sitting in a chair in our bedroom, he became furious that i had done this (we all know why)his guilt of course and the need to manipulate the situation.. well as i sat there with him yelling his profanities he walked over towards me pulled down his pants turned around and shoved his ass in my face and said "do you wanna snoop up my ass too?" .. though he is wong but so was i. i cried so hard not because of what he did but because of what i did, with that the subject was closed and never ever ever again would i snoop or invade the privacy of ANYONES life..i was taught a lesson in the most dispicable way.. don't let it happen to you..

Spying is wrong in my view, if you don't trust the person just get out of the relationship because that would be the better thing for both parties. However, trust is something that is very hard to find these days and that's probably why most couples end up spying on each other.

I have never spied in a relationship. My ex could get pretty jealous but never caught her in my cell but wouldn't put it past her. If she did i got nothing to hide and knock your socks off.

 
     Let me ask you this  Imagin.ation ?  When you said that   " I had cried so hard not because of what he did but because of what i did "  was it because you regreted what you found out about your daughters father and wished you didnt know about it afterwards ? you dont have to answer if you dont want to , Im just curious , and i mean no disrespect by all means.  That just had to be awful for you.  I to have thought about looking into some of my husbands things like his phone, or vehicle,wallet, etc..... But felt maybe there is things i dont want to know or find out or that it would be better for me not to know . In other words What i dont know cant hurt me !

I wouldn't spy ever, I only can think of 2 reasons to do it:

- You are really jealous/ paranoid.
- Something is your relationship has changed and you are picking it up.

If it's the first case, spying is just wrong. You shouldn't invade someone else's privacy because you aren't able to spy them. (Being in a relationship with someone shouldn't take away your privacy)

If it's the second case. Spying is not the solution, it will only make you feel worse and bad about doing it and it won't solve your relationship problems.

Diane there is a thread here about my experiences with a cheating man.. i cried because he made me feel like sh** for snooping in his private belongings, i was wrong to do that.. and that i wasn't the type to do it, and yes theres things i'd rather not know unless they were brought to my face.. alot don't agree with that but i do..

I don't spy because I don't feel the need to. If I did something would be very wrong with that picture. I would opt to sit down and talk rather than start spying. It would be a last resort to satisfy my need for the truth.

I have to disagree with you on that one froggy. If your man is cheating he is already lying to you. What makes you think that if you sit down and talk to him he is gonna tell the truth. Nine times out of ten they are gonna lie unless they are ready to get out of the relationship.

So if your suspicions are high and you ask him knowing he may lie to you, the last resort would be to "spy" on him? By that time he has removed all the evidence i'm sure.

I really don't like the word "spy" cuz it makes ya look like you are doing wrong when in fact is guilty. I mean i think there needs to be some hardcore evidence to go those lengths but what can ya do if it's eating you alive.

Lips

Well if you know your partner then you know when they are lying. That would tell me all I need to know. The rest wouldn't be important.

Hi Imagin.ation, 
                          This is Denise.  Diane's twin sister. Please know that my sister did not mean any disrespect what so ever.  She was just curious as to if you had found out alot more than just letters from a girl. Yes, she has been with her husband for a long time now. But her question to you, was only something that " I think that she also finds herself in the same situation", maybe..... please, im only guessing..... Which i really shouldnt be saying this at all, out of respect for Diane, my sister..  I know for a fact, that Diane feels the same way i do about your experience that you have to deal with for the rest of your life.  Anyways, here's how I feel about what you have said in this thread........

                          The way I see it, is that .....    Your daughters, father.. has done something to the point of makeing you feel that you cannot trust him or something has happen, or you heard, saw or found something, which lead you to question the situation at hand. Regardless, you have every right to want to find out if there is wrong doing going on.  OK !  Here's the FACTS......    There was wrong, and or there still is wrong doing going on.  Most importantly, letting him know that you found the letters, and confronting him face to face with the facts, he pulls his pants down, while you were sitting there and shoves his wrong doing as.. in your face to hurt you even more so.  He is a disrespectful  piece of shi., that does not deserve you to give any more of your time or your life for any one given moment ever anymore.  He has permanently effected your life, for the rest of your life....  He was backed into a corner, and he reacted in such a manner that is unexceptable and he should forever be ashamed of himself.  Shame on him. that fu.... dic, will get what he deseves.  And, when Carma comes, he will realize that "wow, she's a bitc."    Please you'll have to excuse me. I have been through a Horrific relationship that im sure, by what im saying right now, goes to show you that I know exactly where you are coming from and then some.  please as you can see i can go on and on....  Imagin.ation,  you have done nothing wron.  If you are still with your daughters father,  take my advice. get rid of that low life. And dont stop LIVING.  Dont let time continue on with him...  You have one life to live... live it..
                                                          :'(    sincerely,  Denise

The data and the experience tells us:  If you are spying, that means the marriage is already in trouble.  The spying will probably make it worse.

Denise and Diane.. lol i love it.. and so very true.. i went through alot.. here is my situation and what happened to me.. i don't take any of it with a grain of salt, screw statistics, screw data, screw therapy.. the best thing i could of ever done was get the heck out... but seriouly i would have prefered to never know past years..maybe just what was going on for the present, the "ass in face" incident happened when i was pregnant the very first year we were together, he did say there was nothing going on that they were letters from "before me".. typical for the scenario.. i was nieve and very young,.so i left it at that

https://lcb.org/onlinecasinobonusforum/general-discussion/to-tell-or-not-to-tell/