What marriages are MORE likely to fail? EX psychologist's 2 cents. Thoughts?

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Last post made 14 years ago by drpsyce38
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  • Lips and Genenco raise some interesting points and questions about marriage.  From about ten years of doing family therapy, let me share what I saw were the marriages that were MOST LIKELY* doomed from the start:

    *Obviously, there will be exceptions.

    First, marriages that began under some sort of fraud.  (He had a secret criminal past and didn't tell her.  She had a secret gambling life smiley and kept it from him, etc.)

    Second, the inability, or unwillingness, to differentiate from one's family of origin.  (He is a big time "Mama's boy", or she has some major daddy hang-ups, etc.)

    Third, step kids.  I know, I know, we all want to be the Brady Bunch, and that DOES happen.  But, most of the time blended famlies are very, very difficult places.

    Fourth, not willing to let go of an ex.  (Keeping in touch with the boyfriend and meeting from time to time for some old time "flinging.")

    Fifth, not having a financial plan.  Yep, money problems will wreck a marriage.

    Sixth, and this is a BIG one, marriages where the relationship began through cheating.  (He and she met through cheating on their former spouses.)

    Seventh, and this is controversial.  Marrying someone with many past sex partners.  The research is pretty clear here.  Someone who has enjoyed years and years of "variety" is not as likely to settle on a one item menu.  This may apply mostly to men.  If a man is 30, had 20-30 sex partners in his past, he is not likely to just STOP playing the field.

    Just some thoughts, and again, there are exceptions out there.  But, the exceptions tend to have very strong elements in other areas of their marriage that are in play. 

    Your thoughts?  Ones to ADD?

  • I think you left out one of the most MAJOR reasons.......people getting married for the wrong reason to start with...As in for [women are prone to this one] security of a relastionship, finacial reasons, insurance purposes and I can't tell you how many times I've seen people in the military marry just for a raise, 100% coveered health and dental and housing allowance, while they may love their partner and it just seems logical to get married for all the added benefits, it still isn't  a good reason to say I DO!!

  • Doc,

    I think what it all boils down to is a little give and take. For the most part, the reasons you described can be very typical and a part of the art of living.

    Are we willing to adjust to our partners differences? There is going to be distinct differences in us. It takes work and a willingness to accept our partner. I think a major problem also is becoming an enabler.

    The list of faults are endless in what will shatter a marriage. It's no longer about yourself.......its about the two of you. I believe in the institution of marriage. I really believe that unless something very traumatic takes place in that marriage.....more effort needs to be put in respecting the vows we made.

    We would not disown our child for example if they became an addict.....so why would we so quickly disown our spouse. It's just too easy to walk out in today's society. And far too many excuses for why we do.

    Lips
  • Satan....I would put that idea under "item 1 - marrying for fraud."  Well said!

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