Whats wrong with me...I've got to be the worst daughter ever!

Ok, I'll start of by saying I love my mother with all my heart and I miss her all the time. She lives over in Vietnam and I get to see her maybe once every year or two. Well, I just picked her up from the airport on Sunday and she's staying till Jan. 7. I've got 2 brothers she also plans on going to see while shes here and all 3 of us are in different states. Here's my problem....I was soooo happy to have her back on Sunday and yesterday but after 2 while days I can't wait for her to leave. The woman is driving me insane and I'm about to blow up on her. She keeps asking me questions she knows the answers to, she keeps bringing up a very personal matter and crying over it even though the issuse affects and hurts me more than it does her and when I tell her it bothers me and I don't want to talk about it she just cries even more and accuses me of not caring about anything...she constantly moans and groans in an effort to make me feel bad so i'll go over and massage her but she won't plain out ask for one.....lets see here, oh and today she registered a product she bought and entered her email wrong...she then got mad at me for saying she made an error somewhere and wanted to throw away the item she bought because the problem was the product, not her...which i had to spend 2 hours on online chat to get fixed with her literally hanging on my should the entire time asking mw questions while I'm trying to ask/answer question with support....oh and I gave her my entire bedroom and me and my boyfriend are sleeping on the pullout couch but when she gets tired she just lays down on the couch and goes to sleep and gets irriated when my boyfriend gets home from work at 3 am and wakes her up...HELLO thats why we gave you the BEDROOM! Ahhh and if thats not bad enough once she wakes up instead of taking her laptop to the room she sits out here and plays games while we try to sleep! I feel like crap for saying this but really, I can't deal with my mother for long amounts of time. I just wish she didn't live half-way around the world so I could see her whenever I want, ya know for like an hour or 2 a couple times a week, but not for days or weeks at a time. I know I'm gonna miss the hell out of her when she goes back but I think I'd rather miss her than be at my last straw with her. did I mention I have to "sneak" my cigarettes because I get the evel eye and a chew out everytime she sees me smoking, so now I'm stressed and can't smoke freely in my own home, lol!

Satansmuff... My mom lived in my home for the last 8 years of her life. The things your mom is doing and saying are almost exactly the same as my mother did and said to me. And my reaction to them was almost exactly the same as yours.

I talked to her about the couch thing and she cried and when all was over she says under her breath... "I can do what I want when you aren't home!" She sounded like a petulant child. Fortunately I was driving truck and was gone for a month at a time, but those 4 or 5 days at home were just as you describe.

She would hem and haw and hint and wonder out loud to manipulate me into doing or offering whatever she wanted and I could just feel like choking her because she would not say something like... oh... Would you mind making me a sandwich? I would have been glad to do anything she needed, but it drove me to distraction that she would not ask.

Now she is gone and I look back at that time and realize that our roles had been reversed. She was no longer the adult while I was the child... Now I was the adult and she the child. Then I thought back to what I put her through raising me. And with that I realized I was getting off easy!

So with 20/20 hindsight I give you this advice, try to set your adult self aside and give her the care, attention and patience she gave you as a child so that you are able to be the adult now. In a month she will be half a world away again and someday she will be gone all together. Try to see the humor in it all and count your blessings even if the count goes one, one, one......., one....
LOL

katt

Thank you for your post...I fully understand what you are saying and I know this time is very valuble and I should be thankful shes here at all. It's just so frustrating and I'm trying not to hurt her feelings in anyway...I know today she could sense my irritation and even came to me while I was trying to fake sleep to I wouldn't have to listen to her and she just said to me "awe baby. it looks like your tired" and started rubbing my face. She's sweet as can be and she loves me deeply but she's also stubborn as an ox and can NEVER be wrong, lol. They say two of the same personalities will clash but my mother and I are total opposites and it's just as bad!!! 

Bty...I'm going now to give her a big hug and try to have a "normal" conversation

I was just going to say that when you get most frustrated with her, go to her and give her a hug and say to her that this time you have together is precious and that you are really happy she is there. Who knows, maybe by the time she goes you will believe it!

katt

Satansmuff - I think Katt hit the nail on the head there.  Very sound advice.

I hope you can turn things around and enjoy your time with your Mum.

blue

i agree with blue katt is right on point gl hun

I forgot to add one more thing for you to do... the more frustrated you get, the bigger you should smile... it is dang hard to maintain negative feelings with a silly grin on your face!


katt

Satans....In my years of doing family therapy, I saw people in your situation end up with lots of regret.  So, I agree, Kattboot's advice is very good.

In all my years dealing with my mom i never let any complaint about her get pass my lips, they always stayed behind my teeth.. just once i wish i could of said.. mom you are a pain in the ass, stop your bitchin' this instant.. and goto your room and stay there.. until i'm calm enough to talk about it! My mom was a very spoiled woman and got her way no matter what, she went through 4 husbands until the last one.. he put her on a pedestal and left her there.. with that she was happy.. she's boss and always will be, i have to say my mother did everything so perfectly..no matter what it was, she was thoughtful, she was kind hearted, she never ever missed a holiday card, i could always count on her.. anything i ever needed she was always there for me.. here i got pregnant young, hung with the wrong crowds, i was honry sometimes, i was late finishing highschool, so many things.. she had her moans,groans and bitchiness.. but she seemed to understand everything, always had the right things to say.. and she was always the first one there frontline in this battlefield of life making sure there was some sort of victory, it was her way of not letting the blows in life not hurt so bad..

Now that she's gone, i no longer get the garranteed holiday cards, no longer do i get to taste her cooking, no longer 4 hour conversations on the phone about how she thinks dad is cheating on her with the salon lady, no longer do i have someone who says i'm right when i know i'm dead wrong, making things not so bad as they seem, no more ancient medical advice.. lol.. no longer do i have someone who made me laugh so hard tears fell out my eyes, stomache hurtin'  jaws be achin'..
i sit on that battlefield of life without my most powerful piece, but i think her way of showing me that no matter what you can be graceful and smile through anything made me see the battlefield as daisys, cuz it' ain't no bowl of cherries.. i'd give anything to have her come back and scream, yell, bitch, cause a scene do whatever her heart desired.. just one more time..

Satan it is tough and i understand that but all i can say is don't do anything you might regret or wished you would of done. Try to live every day like it's the last with her because we never know what tomorrow holds.

Hang in there its only until the 7th and ya know what? You gonna miss her like crazy when she goes back!

Lips

thanks for all the words guys...I'm not gonna do anything I'll regret later, thats why I cam here to vent instead of saying something stupid to upset my mother. I hear alot of stories about how you guys miss your mothers or look back at all the things they have done for you, but unforunately my mother was pretty much absent my entire life do I don't have those memories of her...we only developed somewhat of a relationship when I was in my early 20's, but none the less, I value what we have now...just a little it irritated at the moment, lol....but thankfully today she's so wrapped up in her show she hasn't been pestering me, lol. I think a big part of my problem also is that I'm used to spending ALOT of alone/me time everyday so having someone around 24/7 whether it's my mom or someone else really changes my day.